Finding My Higher Power
In my admittedly limited experience, all groups that focus on recovery suggest connecting with a higher power, a concept that many struggle with. While I think most of us assume a higher power to be God, it can be anything that you see as being bigger than yourself that, hopefully, provides a sense of connection and gives you strength to manage through difficult times.
When I was younger I went to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting and didn’t necessarily know how I felt about an all-powerful God as my higher power. As I contemplated my faith and spirituality over the years, I arrived at an almost pagan belief in the gods built by my love of Greek and Roman mythology. My views continued to evolve, and I developed a very personal belief system of God and faith that complemented my world view and place in it.
That changed when I read The Boys in the Boat by Daniel James Brown, a book about the 1936 U.S. Olympic rowing team. Whenever the boys were feeling their groove while rowing, they were in the “swing.” They became one body and one boy, each indistinguishable from the boat itself. They moved as one. It was that moment of being in the zone.
The main character had an awful childhood and bore that psychic trauma. Yet he realized that he trusted his boys and ultimately learned to surrender his fears to the knowledge that they would always be there for each other. I envied his sense of connection and yearned for what I considered to be his swing.
While I don’t row, I do run and one day running in the park, I wished I had a crew of my own. Someone or something to be in swing with. And in that moment I realized I had the universe, which I view as a tangible force in my life. It is not that the universe supplanted my belief in God, but somehow complemented it. All of it works in harmony – the sun and the moon, the stars and the heavens, the universe and everything in its realm. It is all is swing with God. And I am in swing with all of it.
But there was always some niggling doubt, something somehow blocking me. I hadn't surrendered myself to the belief that they would always be with me. But this day, while I was running and thinking of being in swing with the universe, I was finally at the point where I surrendered in all things and trusted that all would be as it was meant to be. Immediately there was a lightness to my running, an effortlessness. I found my swing.
It's been almost eight years since I had that epiphany, and I can honestly say it is the most foundational piece of me. It makes me feel connected. Part of something larger and blessedly not alone. I feel as if I am part of an orchestra playing in tune with the maestro. I want what the universe wants and cast my lot with it. No matter what happens in life, I know I can bear it precisely because I don’t feel alone.
Anyone who knows me knows there is nothing on this earth I love more than my sweet vicious beastie girl, Olive. My darling babe opened my heart to love and the thought of losing her was something I long dreaded and feared. So, I held her apart, the one non-negotiable in my world that I wouldn’t surrender to the universe because I couldn’t imagine life without her furry little self by my side.
Two years ago, Olive became very sick, and my heart was frozen in terror that my sweet girl would die. When I realized that I could lose her, I was finally ready to surrender her, too. I knew deep in my heart that the universe loved me, why else would I have been gifted with her? I trusted that the universe would shield us, protect us, and when it and God took her from me, it was with the promise that they would give her back in the next life. My sweet babe died in March at the age of 19 ½. Yet despite this heartbreaking loss, even in my most profound moments of grief, I’ve been okay. It didn’t cripple me as I so long feared.
Almost six months after Olive’s passing, I learned I have what I’m hoping, and trusting is very treatable cancer. Even with this recent news and subsequent surgery, I’ve been surprisingly fine. If I want what the universe wants, I have to take the good and the bad. And I do. No matter what happens, I trust that all will turn out as it is meant to and even when something awful or painful happens, I’m not alone. I can ride out the darkness and sunlight will greet me on the other side.
Being connected to the universe allows me to move through life with less fear and anxiety. I understand that which is outside of my control but don’t believe it to be random. Mine is but a story to unfold and no matter the plots and twists, all will be well. As long as I am in swing with the universe, I know the universe and everything in its realm loves me, shares its strength with me, sees me and hears me. And all of it loves my Olive even more and holds her tight for safekeeping.
So, the thing for which I am most grateful, is that I am in swing with the universe. Because of my connection to it, I no longer feel alone or disconnected, no matter what life throws my way. And whenever I make a wish, it is that I retain this feeling every day for the rest of my life. It is my higher power and I hope you find yours, whatever and wherever it may be.
