After gaining and losing 50 to 75 pounds every two years or so since my teens, I decided I needed professional help. In 2005, at the age of 38, I started working with a therapist that specialized in eating disorders, trauma and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). She thought my issues with food and weight were a symptom of a much deeper issue: my childhood sexual abuse.
I was sexually abused by family members until I was 10. For much of my life I would have chosen death before revealing that, so deep was my shame. But I was desperate to find love and believed resolving my weight was key. So began the next 12 years of my life working with my therapist using EMDR, a chiropractor to release trapped fight or flight responses, a sex therapist and group therapy for sexual abuse.
I accomplished what I desperately hoped was possible but feared was not. Getting there required tremendous effort, the suspension of doubt, and a steadfast belief that it was possible. I’m rooting for you.
Then Vs. Now
The picture on the left was taken in August 2003 and the one on the right in June 2022.
I’ve been roughly the same weight since 2008 but before then, I was every weight in between. I was constantly trying to find a happy place but it didn’t exist. I was never comfortable in my own body. As a result, I would yo-yo up and down, endlessly gaining and losing weight.
As soon as I started focusing on the “why” of my weight fluctuations – my childhood sexual abuse – my weight became more manageable. It was merely a symptom of a secret I kept shrouded in darkness for far too long.
We all have secrets but, sometimes, the only way to get where we want is by bringing them to light. Whatever your struggles, try to be kind and patient with yourself.