Looking for the Silver Lining
There’s a saying that things are never so bad that they can’t be worse. Pessimists likely disagree but there’s a reason we refer to people as “glass half-empty” vs. “glass half-filled” types. Perspective matters. A lot.
If something terrible happens, how you react to it will dictate your experience. If you’re in a car accident with significant but not life-threatening injuries, you can either be grateful that it wasn’t worse or lament that it wasn’t better. The person with the more positive outlook is likely going to have an easier recovery with an appreciation for their progress. The other person is probably going to feel defeated or angry. While both might make the same recovery in the same amount of time, one person’s experience is going to be infinitely more difficult.
How we approach and experience life’s curveballs isn’t confined to accidents and injuries, it applies to health, relationships, careers and more. So, how do you move from the half-empty to the half-full side of the equation?
First, it helps to reframe whatever is happening. Challenges are a part of life, always have been, always will be. Sometimes things work in our favor but just as often, they don’t. And that means we have to stop whining when things are unfair. Life is inherently unfair and random. How else to explain one person’s home being leveled by a tornado while the one next door remains unscathed? Rather than frantically railing against whatever happens or the unfairness of it all, accepting that is has indeed happened and acknowledging that it absolutely sucks goes a long way. It enables you to stop wasting energy on why it shouldn’t be this way and instead funnel your energy into moving forward.
Second, if we go back to the things are never so bad they can’t be worse scenario, there is always a way to produce something positive out of the ashes of despair. There are countless stories about incredibly inspiring people who do amazing things in the wake of disaster or tragedy. They are able to accept and manage their own heartbreak and grief and move forward to honor those or what they lose, no matter how unfairly or cruelly. If you need examples, look no further than people that start or participate in initiatives to bring criminals to justice, educate about the dangers of drinking while driving, unsafe water, lax gun laws, etc.
Third, when we’re disappointed by relationships or jobs, it helps to focus on the positives. If a relationship ends, you can still be grateful for the experiences you’ve shared. Same with a job. Did you make a good friend out of one of your coworkers? If so, consider it a win.
Our own disappointments and failures can also be viewed in a positive light. Anything that we’ve learned from the experience can help us moving forward. Granted, some lessons are harder than others, but if we’re willing to really examine what went wrong or why it didn’t turn out as we hoped, there’s probably a useful nugget or two to be stored away that can help us in the future.
I think that the ability to see the bright side relies on certain characteristics: resilience, optimism and gratitude. While we may not all be born with reservoirs of these traits, they are all skills that can be honed and developed.
Resilience is being able to get back up when you’re knocked down. Being resilient won’t make your problems go away but enable you to better deal with them in a positive way. If you’re not naturally resilient and something unpleasant and unexpected happens, try to consider it objectively. What does it really mean right now in this moment? It likely isn’t the end of the world, even if it feels like it. If you need a reality check, call a trusted friend or family member to talk it through and provide support. And try to remember that you’ve likely dealt with something similar in the past and you can draw on those experiences and skills to get through it again.
Optimism is being able to see the positive in any given scenario. It doesn’t mean you’re blissfully happy or ignoring reality, just that you are able to see the good that’s out there. As I noted above, it’s not that the experiences themselves are different but the way in which optimists and pessimists cope is different. If you go on vacation and it rains, instead of thinking that your day is ruined, be happy that you have an umbrella or the streets are less crowded, whatever the upside might be. It also helps to surround yourself with positive people because joy and happiness are contagious. And like resilience, optimism is learned as much as it’s innate.
Gratitude is acknowledging the good in our lives. If you’re healthy, have a safe place to live, enough food to eat and at least one person or thing in your life that you love and loves you back, you have tons to be grateful for. It’s not about riches, the perfect significant other, dream job or any of a thousand things we think will make us happy. None of us is guaranteed tomorrow or a life without sickness or pain or loss so each day that we can live and breathe and feel seen and heard, is something that someone else can only dream of. I start and end every day by recounting all that for which I’m grateful. It can be as small as the squirrels in the park or the moon shining bright but it in some way it makes me happy and for that I am grateful.
For a reformed hardcore control freak like myself, I find it comforting to believe that there is a reason and a season for all things. I want what the universe wants, even if it’s painful. I trust that all will be well and no matter what happens, I won’t have to endure it alone. It allows me to look for the silver lining in every situation. And the best part is that once you start looking for it, it becomes so ingrained that you can’t help but see it, no matter what.
