Outsmarting a Binge
I started meditating in 2015 in an accidental kind of way. I was on a quest to cure my chronic running pain and both an acupuncturist and a massage therapist suggested it as a way to release the tension in my body that I wore like a suit of armor. I also hoped it would help me tap into parts of myself that were seemingly out of reach, and that included my struggle with binging. Admittedly, I’m not someone who excels at being still, but I took to meditation immediately. Quite simply, it was the most transformative thing I’ve ever done and all these years later, I still meditate daily.
Or what I consider meditation. That’s the beauty of it, it can be whatever you want as long as you master one simple concept: being present. Meditation is all about now. This moment. Not yesterday and not tomorrow. And that concept has been life changing for me. While I looked back occasionally, I was always thinking ahead. Essentially plotting every situation in life and coming up with a host of scenarios for how it would play out so I would be prepared. But whether you’re looking back or looking forward, you’re not in the moment.
Learning to be in the moment – present – is really helpful because a whole lot of what I was spending my time thinking about never came to pass. It was a waste of time and energy. I am converted and try to be in the now as much as possible. Except, surprisingly, that is not a great strategy for me when it comes to food and particularly, binging. When I’m in that mode, where I just want to eat and eat whatever delicious sugary and carby delight I’ve set my sights on, it is definitely more helpful to think forward. Because let’s face it, in that moment, I don’t care about what comes next.
So, when I find myself wrestling with my desire to binge on massive amounts of sugar, I try to think ahead:
No matter how delicious the desired food, is the 15 minutes of pleasure worth the punishment to follow?
It used to all be mental anguish I would inflict upon myself for eating more than I wanted. I would hate myself and the self-loathing could stick with me for days or even weeks.
However, the older I get, the more physical the suffering has become. In addition to being massively bloated, I just feel like shit. I’ve also come to recognize that eating ridiculous amounts of sugar (it’s always sugar) will plunge me into a black pit of despair the next day. People talk about sugar being like a drug and I don’t doubt it. But unlike those who endeavor to cut it out of their lives completely, that is out of the question for me. Cookies, cakes, candies and ice cream are like sunshine to me. I need them to be happy. It’s just a matter of balancing how much at a time.
How will this affect my workout the next day?
I’m all about running and even though I’m currently glacially slow and don’t run as far as I used to, it brings me much joy. Binging the night before a run makes for a painful experience the next day and that is to be avoided. So, if it’s a running day, that will automatically make me rethink whatever I’m tempted to reach for.
What upcoming plans do I have?
If I’m socializing, I generally know what I want to wear and how it will fit if I consume mass calories, and that helps rein me in. If I’m going out for a meal, I think about something delicious I will have and use that as the proverbial carrot to keep me on my plan and reward myself then.
As of late I’ve been going to a lot of doctor’s appointments, and not only do I not want my weight to be sky high, but I also don’t want any of my test results to be distorted because I ate enough sugar to knock another person unconscious.
I’ve successfully maintained my weight for almost 15 years and I’m grateful like you can’t believe. I didn’t think I’d ever get to a point where I would be able to eat like a normal human being – and for the record, normal human beings eat more than they want to or should on occasion – but I did. It took me many years of therapy to work through what was driving the desire to binge and maintaining my weight was the easiest part in some respects.
However, some behaviors become ingrained and there is a coziness to settling into my couch with a bag, box or pan or my favorite something while watching TV. Now though, if I’m going to binge, I’m present. There is no auto pilot or disavowing. But before I got here, I really wrestled with my desire to eat. And for those moments, I compiled 15 Things to Consider Before Binging.
As a wise friend once shared with me, her New Year’s resolution was to eat more pie. When I asked why, she said that if she was going to blow the calories, she wanted it to be on something she loved, not just what was convenient. Wise words, indeed.
Wishing you peace no matter where you are in your journey.
