Treating Your Body with Compassion
Most of the country – and a good portion of the world – is suffering a heatwave, and New York City, where I live is no exception. In addition to desperately trying to avoid the subway (there is truly no place hotter than a subway platform in summer), I’m trying to be cognizant of the effect the heat has on my body. And for me, that starts with running.
My desire to run was borne out of therapy. It was during a particularly difficult EMDR session that I told my therapist if I could, I would run so fast. It was that single moment that fueled my desire to start running at age 42. Running was empowering and made me feel strong even though I wasn’t particularly fast, and it was (and remains) difficult. It also became obsessive, and my body was, in many ways, the last thing I considered. I registered nothing except pain which often meant I was injured by the time I took notice and even then, would only begrudgingly back off my routine.
In my quest to manage what became my chronic running pain, I tried acupuncture. Thin needles are inserted into your body, and it might feel like little pricks, or your muscles might spasm. I felt almost nothing and assumed I was looser than I thought. In fact, it was the opposite. I was so tight that the acupuncturist was sure it was a matter of time before something gave out.
The acupuncturist asked how often I worked out and was appalled by my response. When she asked how much I was walking and I responded around 20,000 steps a day or 10 miles, she said I needed to stop everything. No more running, working out or walking at that level for at least a week so that my body could recover. She also asked if I meditated, to which the answer was no. She suggested I consider it as meditation is about learning compassion and if I could learn compassion for myself, I wouldn't push my body so hard. And then she said the magic words: that all of my working out was not making me thinner or fitter, but if I eased back, it would follow.
While I wasn’t happy about what she said, I realized that over the 10 years since I'd been exercising regularly, I'd only taken three days off at a time and only less than a handful of times. It was disturbing that I would go that long without a break, especially as I had trained for marathons over several of those years. But the thing that shocked me the most was a message from Fitbit congratulating me on achieving 1,000 lifetime miles. It was a new Fitbit and in less than 90 days I logged that distance.
It was then I realized that I'd been in a veil of craziness I couldn't see and suddenly it was lifted. I was so disturbed I even took a week off from exercise which, surprisingly, didn’t lead to me being magically healed. About a year later, after multiple people suggested I start meditating as a way to relax, I decided to give it a try. Turns out they were all right. Meditation was enormously helpful to me and, as the acupuncturist hoped, it taught me compassion for my body. Over time, I became less rigid and obsessive. But I’m still me.
So, as we make our way through the heatwave, my goal is to treat my body with compassion. That means I’ve cut my runs a little shorter and allow myself to run as slowly as I want, without judgement. More importantly, on the days that I plan to run, I approach it with an open mind that depending on how hot it is and how I feel, I may not run at all. Running is pleasurable for me, in mind and body, and if I’m suffering through it for the sake of hewing to an arbitrary schedule or running my body into the ground, it serves no purpose. This is huge progress from where I used to be.
While the drivers may be different, many of us are locked into that same tug of war with our bodies. Things we must or must not do. And many of them have nothing to do with exercise. How many of us won’t go sleeveless or wear shorts because of the way we look? How desperate are we to keep ourselves covered that our bodies pay the price in discomfort because of our own paranoid fears? Years ago, I wore a long, black trench coat on a hot summer day because it was my lightest jacket, and I couldn’t bear to be exposed. Likely no one would have noticed me but because I was dressed so inappropriately for the weather, you couldn’t help but see me.
Whatever your body issues or triggers, try to treat your body with compassion. That means doing what you want to do deep down instead of what you think you should do, even if it takes you out of your comfort zone. Maybe that means wearing a tank top with your less than perfect arms, or shorts that reveal your less than perfect thighs (that’s me!). I read an article by a runner who tried to let go of her body negativity by appreciating how strong her thighs were that they could carry her through her runs. What a lovely way to reframe the issue.
For anyone who’s afraid to take a walk in a park or public place, go to a gym or try a new piece of equipment because you feel too exposed and vulnerable, try to remember that most people are so wrapped up in themselves that they’re not paying attention to you. And who knows, maybe you’ll inspire someone to push beyond their fears and insecurities.
I no longer believe that I’m defined by how many miles I run or how thin my thighs. I finally made peace with what my body looks like (mostly) and what it can do. I also recognize that it changes from day to day and year to year. I don’t love some of the changes, but I accept them and am grateful that I have the luxury of growing older. None of us is guaranteed tomorrow and over the last few years, we’ve seen firsthand how lives can change in an instant. Each day is a gift, and it shouldn’t be wasted on what is trivial or frivolous in the grand scheme of things. I’ll be the first to acknowledge that it doesn’t always feel that way but sometimes you can’t see the reality for what it is until someone says something that jolts you into awareness. For me it was hearing from a stranger that they hoped I would learn to treat my body with compassion, because it was the furthest thing from what I was doing.
