Time and Chance Happen to Us All
After Haiti was struck by a devastating earthquake in 2010, I read an article by Barack Obama in which he wrote “In the aftermath of disaster, we are reminded that life can be unimaginably cruel. That pain and loss is so often meted out without any justice or mercy. That ‘time and chance’ happen to us all.”
Time and chance happen to us all. At the time I read those words, I was in therapy trying to reconcile the effects of my childhood sexual abuse. Whether it’s a natural disaster, an act of carnage or growing up in an abusive family, life is all too often unimaginably cruel and many of us struggle to overcome our trauma. After a lifetime of pushing away any thoughts and feelings associated with my abuse, when I decided to tackle it head on, I couldn’t fathom why it was taking so long. Why I couldn’t let go of what was my time and chance?
I spent 12 years exploring EMDR, chiropractic care, sex therapy and group therapy for sexual abuse in my quest to open myself to love so that I could have a healthy sexual relationship. The emphasis on healthy is key. Like most of us, I can point to any number of people I know that are in toxic, dysfunctional relationships and wanted no part of that. Far better to be alone than spend even a moment with someone that made me unhappy or worse. Yet all too often what we experience in childhood becomes our template for normal behavior, even if it’s anything but. That’s why so many people that grow up being physically, verbally or sexually abused find themselves with partners that exhibit the same behaviors. It’s what we’re used to. And the devil we know can be better than the one we don’t.
I never thought that and there was no way I would risk repeating the sins of my childhood. But being alone is hard and incredibly lonely. And while I thought it far preferable to the alternative, I couldn’t understand why it was so difficult for me to meet men. What it ultimately came down to was that on some level, I didn’t trust that I could protect myself. Rather than risk being hurt I sealed myself off like a box that was impenetrable in every way.
Until I was able to explore and process what happened to me and its aftermath, it couldn’t be resolved. My most fervent wish for many years was for my childhood sexual abuse to be undone, which was impossible. I felt ruined by what happened, for it was so deeply shameful, and couldn’t imagine ever feeling otherwise. But over time, as my progress in therapy continued, I was finally able to recognize that the blame, shame and secrecy of my past didn’t belong to me. Once I was able to accept what happened rather than doing everything in my power to block it out, I was ultimately able to integrate it into my life. Only then could I come to terms with my time and chance and let it go for good.
Unfortunately, though, it was equally difficult for me to accept that I couldn’t speed up the process to get to that point. When I first began therapy I constantly questioned when I would be done, when I would be fixed. My therapist didn’t know. I’d be done when I was done. You can only do what you’re ready to do and the timing was beyond my control. I found that maddening. Yet even though it took far longer than I ever expected, I made small incremental progress along the way. Each day I was a little less burdened and a little bit happier. And that matters, quite a lot. While we don’t get to set the timeframe for healing, as long as we’re moving forward, no matter how slowly, it’s a win.
“Time and chance happen to them all” is actually from the Book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible. Each day we read or hear about something so horrific that it literally takes our breath away. It can be hard to understand why certain things happen, so we come to accept that there is a randomness to life. It is simply our time and chance.
If you’re struggling with your time and chance, there is hope. There’s a saying that sunlight is the best disinfectant. Instead of burying your pain and shame deep underground, expose it to the light so that it can be put to rest for good.
