Spotlight on Sex Therapy
My Experiences With EMDR, Chiropractic, Sex Therapy, Group Therapy & Meditation
To undo the ruin within that resulted from my childhood sexual abuse, I tried many different types of therapy including EMDR, a chiropractor to release trapped “fight or flight” responses, sex therapy, group therapy and meditation. This blog post is the third in a series detailing them and focused on sex therapy. (Read about my experiences with EMDR and Chiropractic Care.)
With the chiropractor experiment behind me, my inability to meet anyone coupled with my reaction to any remotely sexual feelings or interest pointed to a bold idea: seeing a sex therapist. After my initial panic, I learned that a sex therapist is a doctor focused on that aspect of the human psyche. Essentially no different than a gynecologist or dermatologist in that they have an area of specialty. Sex therapists do not have sexual contact with clients and sexual coaching that involves physical contact is not part of mainstream sex therapy.
While taking such a step seemed enormous and I questioned whether I could or should, I was 47 years old and if not then, when? Throughout therapy there was a component to me feeling like I must suffer to move forward. Right or wrong, it was true. In the nine years I had been working with Rachel and EMDR and then Keith and chiropractic care, I pushed myself well out of my comfort zone to make progress and there was still so much more I wanted. If that meant delving into the deepest recesses of my psyche with a sex therapist, which I knew would be hellish, I was on board.
Rachel investigated sex therapists and found one willing to treat individuals. With terror in my heart, I asked what else there was? It was a huge relief when she said couples. As she explained, sex therapy is a specialized type of psychotherapy to discuss sexual function, sexual feelings and intimacy and you can address concerns in individual, couples or family therapy.
At my first meeting with Irene, the sex therapist, she asked what I hoped to accomplish. When I told her I wanted to meet men and have a relationship, she asked whether I wanted a sexual relationship. I said yes.
Irene was very nice and chatting with her was easy. We talked a little about my experiences trying to meet men and she didn’t think it made sense; that I was attractive and friendly and pretty relaxed all things considered. She asked my take on it and I thought I must emit something, give off a closed vibe. After a little digging, she wanted to know what I was looking for in a man and if I ever found it. I filled her in on someone I was totally enamored with, that he met my list of criteria, and our attraction was mutual. But nothing really happened. I was incredibly insecure and nervous around him, not at all like myself. He once told me he thought I resented him, and I thought it was true.
After telling her about another man I was very interested in that went nowhere, she observed that with both I reacted with anger at my feelings toward them. It was a good point, that I get mad at myself for liking them, wanting them, and lash out. I expressed how I often felt powerless with men, as if I couldn't say no, whether to a second date or physical overtures. Irene had several insights, and I thought the time with her was interesting and not too painful. She was confident that what I wanted was well within my reach and we agreed to meet every other week.
At my next session Irene greeted me by asking if I had masturbated. A tad off putting, to say the least. I said no and she suggested we talk about how we could work together. And really, it was going to be a stretch. I wasn’t active sexually, in mind or body, but I wanted to find a way to work with her. She suggested that we do a book together, The Sexual Healing Journey, as it might be helpful to see what the exercises brought up. I was on board because I didn’t think I’d explore this path again. I bought the book, but I was definitely less hopeful.
I began reading it right away. Much of it is about being in relationships which didn’t apply to me, yet it still brought things to the surface. I resolved that I would reveal all to Irene because wasn't that the point of this whole exercise? To free myself from my thoughts, whether known or subconscious, so that I could move forward and have the love I so wanted?
True to my own pledge, I was open and honest about everything — whether it was fantasies, my fears or insecurities. Yes, it was exceedingly difficult but sometimes you have to steel your courage and do what seems unthinkable. And it paid off. Through my work with Irene, a number of issues surfaced, including that I thought having sexual desire made me bad. However, most were more appropriate to be discussed with Rachel, my therapist. There just wasn’t that much to explore on the sexual front and after a few months, Irene and I ran out of things to talk about. That said, she did offer a few nuggets along the way that were extremely helpful.
Kissing. I had confided to Irene that kissing was something I dreaded. It conjured images of my cousin’s tongue jammed in my mouth and was something I avoided unless very drunk. After many years of locking myself away with no physical contact with a man, I developed a phobia and deep-seated insecurity about kissing. I felt that I didn’t know how to, and it became a huge stumbling block on dates. Irene tried to help me believe that many people are awkward and uncomfortable when kissing someone for the first time and it wasn’t just me. She shared a video that went viral at the time, First Kiss, that showed 20 strangers kissing for the first time. While some of the couples really got into it, most were nervous. It gave me hope.
Fantasies. Whether sexual or not, I had certain thoughts that made me uncomfortable. Irene explained that fantasies are just that, fantasies. They’re not real and should never make you feel bad. Interestingly enough, after I confided several recurrent thoughts that I found disturbing, they no longer held any appeal. Irene was able to make sense of them in a way I couldn’t, which diffused them completely.
Sexual abuse mindset. One of the most illuminating things that came out of the Sexual Healing Journey was a chart that included a sexual abuse mindset versus a healthy sexual attitude’s mindset. Basically, if you’re sexually abused as a child, it becomes your template for what you consider normal behavior. It is anything but normal, but it is our experience, so we internalize it as we grow up. While the whole chart was eye-opening, the line that made me stop was that “sex is a condition for receiving love.” This is on the sexual abuse spectrum but the one on the healthy sexual attitudes side read that “sex is an expression of love.”
I just kept looking at the words and rereading it as if I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It made me feel for the first time as if my fears were misplaced. If I met someone and he loved me and I loved him, I could have sex. But instead, I worried about what was appropriate sexual behavior on dates and it filled me with fear because I didn't know what was normal. In that moment I realized that it didn’t matter what the norm was. What mattered was that I believed, no matter how incorrectly, that to date or to try to meet someone meant I had to go along to a certain extent, even if I didn't want to or feel ready. And that is simply not true.
So, sex therapy, while not the answer I hoped for, was a worthwhile endeavor and I’m glad I explored it.
Sex therapy is usually provided by licensed psychologists, social workers, physicians or licensed therapists who have advanced training in issues related to sexual and relationship health. Certified sex therapists have graduate degrees and can be credentialed by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). To find a provider, visit aasect.org.
