Celebrate Every Love
It’s Valentine’s Day, an annual celebration of love. Generally, it’s of the romantic variety and if you’re not in such a relationship, it can be a hard day. I used to lament my solitary state and my one wish was to find love. I felt incomplete without it. While I have been very fortunate to have a close circle of friends that bring love to my life, it’s not the same. I wanted an all-consuming, total devotion kind of love and it illuded me. Until Olive.
It was my third visit to Animal Care & Control (AC&C) in New York City when I found Olive or, to be more accurate, she found me. In those days, AC&C was an awful pet adoption/prison center and she had terrible real estate. I had my sights set on two six-week-old gray kittens when she reached her paw out from the bottom row of cages. I hadn’t noticed her but as soon as I did, I knew she was mine. I took her home December 30, 2002, and I’m happy to report she’s never had bad real estate again.
Those early days with my babe were so awkward and difficult. Olive would snuggle under the blankets to lie next to my legs and it felt weird to have her little wet nose against my body. It made me anxious and tense. Shortly after bringing her home, I took her to the vet for her first check-up and learned she was sick. It was the only time in her life she willingly took medicine from me. When she recovered, she was a whole other creature: wild and ruthless with unending energy. Despite it all, my love for that vicious little beastie girl deepened by the hour.
She has been my constant companion for the last 19 years and there is no other that knows me as well. I was very closed and rarely shared how I felt, especially if it made me vulnerable. Only to her could I confide my fears and entrust to be the guardian of my secrets. She has been an unwavering source of love and affection and there is nothing on this earth I would trade for her.
Olive was a regular topic of conversation with my therapist, Rachel, as I feared that I was incapable of love, except for her. Rachel thought my attachment to Olive was normal. She was the only truly intimate relationship I had so of course she had my whole heart. It made me sad, and I felt damned by it. As if my heart could only beat for my sweet girl and nothing else would ever stir me as she did. My love for her is immeasurable yet it was never lost on me that she is a cat.
In my seemingly endless quest to find love, I tried different alternative therapies, including group therapy for sexual abuse. When Rachel suggested it (numerous times over many years before I relented), it was her hope that someone might have insight into how or why I was seemingly incapable of meeting someone. My hope was that I would meet a kindred spirit – another member yearning for love but unable to attract it. Despite our common history, I was the only one in the group that was a complete avoider of relationships. Everyone else was either currently in one or had significant others in the recent past.
Over time, as we all got to know each other, someone expressed that Olive and I seemed to have such a special relationship that perhaps she was the love of my life. It stuck with me, and I really thought about it. What if she is? Isn’t she exactly what I wanted? Someone who loves me and only me. No job, no friends, she can’t even tolerate people in the apartment. She is devoted solely to me. I am the sun, the moon and the stars. Isn’t that what I wanted? I love her just as madly and she lets me. Isn’t that also what I wanted?
As I was snuggling with my little beastie girl on the couch, I thought maybe she is the love of my life. Yet now it didn’t make me sad; I didn’t feel condemned. Just more a realization that I needed something to love completely that loves me back just as completely and that is my sweet girl. I am grateful for her and hope I can add someone into my life that will perhaps not love me exclusively, but just as fiercely.
Olive is my gift from the universe. Without her to help me learn how to love completely without fear and accept love in return, I wouldn’t be where I am now. She is the instrument. My greatest gift because everything stems from her. My little beauty is joy wrapped in fur. She has brought more love and affection to my life than I would have thought possible. I believe that I am bound to her in this life and every life that follows and will never be separated from her. So, on Valentine’s Day, and every other day, I celebrate my Olive.
If you want more love in your life and can truly provide a homeless baby a good home, adopt one. Try to have an open heart and an open mind and the right one will find you, just as Olive found me.
Wishing you love in whatever form it takes.
